Kevins, ranked

This is extremely important cultural analysis.

• Kevin the Cunt¹

• Kevin the protagonist of my perpetually unfinished novel

• Kevin the Gigantic (RIP)

• Kevin Barnes

• Kevin Lasagna²

• Kevin the foster kitten (who turned out to be a girl)

• “Kevin Carter”³

• Sauvons les Kevin⁴

• Kevin Garnett

• Kevin Carter⁵

• Kevin the bird from “Up”

• Kevin de Bruyne

• Kevin Durant

• Kevin “Hungry” Bartlett

KB. No-one rocks a combover like that anymore.

• Kevin Shields

• Kevin ‘07

• Kevin Sheedy⁶

• Kevin “Bloody” Wilson

• Kevin Pietersen

• Kevin, who needs to be talked about

• Kevin Muscat

• Kevinism⁷

• Whatever this is⁸

Important graphic of Kevin distribution in Germany

1. By a mile.

2. A real name!

3. The song.

4. A film about class prejudice in France against kids named Kevin (or Kévin). As per The Guardian: “For the more than 150,000 French Kevins, the name has become so targeted by mockery, comic sketches and class prejudice that documentary film Sauvons les Kevin [“Save the Kevins”] is hoping to set the record straight.”

5. The person.

6. The Australian one, i.e. the long-time coach of Essendon, a perpetually irritating football team.

7. Anti-Kevin sentiment isn’t confined to France, it seems: this term refers to the perception in Germany that having an English name equates to being lower class. Unless Google Translate is lying to me, this article quotes one Michael Mittermeier as saying, “Only drug kids and [East Germans] are named ‘Kevin’.” Mittermeier is described as a “Profi-Spaßmacher”, which I think translates as “professional fun-maker”. Make of this what you will. Also, the German word for “drug kids” is “Drogenkinder”, a word I plan to use that word frequently in the future.

8. Seriously though what is it