From the Archive: How Are Things on the East Coast?
A one-act play about Interpol, a tour bus, and an unseasonably severe blizzard.
Note: I’ve found to my dismay that more and more of my old pieces from Flavorwire etc have been disappearing from the internet. I’ve already republished some of my favorite Serious Criticism at my website, but I figured this newsletter would be a good place to preserve some of the more whimsical pieces, like this one-act play about Interpol getting stuck in the snow. This was originally published on Flavorwire on 19 November 2014, which is (gulp) 11 years ago today.
HOW ARE THINGS ON THE EAST COAST?
A PLAY IN ONE ACT
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Paul Banks: Suave, blond, handsome. Wears a suit and tie. Does not respond to “DJ Fancypants.”
Daniel Kessler: Suave, dark, also handsome. Wears a suit and tie.
Sam Fogarino: Suave, dark, slicked-back hair, waistcoat, cigarette. Handsome. Wears a suit and tie.
Brandon Curtis: Young, restless. Wears neither a suit nor a tie.
Carlos D: An absent presence. Wears all kinds of shit.
A bus driver: He doesn’t know, he just works here.
A mixologist: So does he.
SCENE
Buffalo, New York, November 2014.
TIME
The present day. Or so it appears. It’s hard to tell with all that snow.
SCENE 1
A tour bus. Deep red velvet curtains cover the windows. The driver is up front, with Daniel Kessler and Brandon Curtis sitting side by side behind him, watching television on a screen mounted to the back of the driver’s compartment.
Behind them is a bar, at which Sam Fogarino is seated, nursing a cocktail. The bar is furnished with multiple types of whiskey and precisely nothing else. A shiny black rotary telephone sits on the counter. The mixologist is polishing the bottles.
At the rear of a bus is a studio setup, wherein Paul Banks is seated with a guitar. Beyond that is a well-furnished sleeping compartment, including three (3) large bunk beds.
DRIVER
(rubbing the windshield) Looks like snow.
DANIEL KESSLER
I bet Carlos D wishes he were here now. This is great. Isn’t this great, Brandon?
BRANDON CURTIS
Yeah.
DANIEL KESSLER
Right?
BRANDON CURTIS
Yeah.
PAUL BANKS
(loudly, from the rear of the bus) I CAN’T HEAR YOU, BRANDON CURTIS.
BRANDON CURTIS
(louder) This is so great, Paul!
DANIEL KESSLER
Yeah. I bet Carlos D wishes he was here.
DRIVER
(rubbing windshield more vigorously) I can’t see a thing.
DANIEL KESSLER
If you want a cocktail, Brandon, just ask the mixologist.
BRANDON CURTIS
Sure.
DANIEL KESSLER
He can make anything, so long as it’s an old-fashioned.
BRANDON CURTIS
Right. What’s the phone for, by the way?
DANIEL KESSLER
What phone?
BRANDON CURTIS
The one on the bar.
DANIEL KESSLER
(defensively) Nothing. Nothing at all. And Carlos D doesn’t have a private mixologist, I can tell you that.
PAUL BANKS
(loudly, from the studio) HIS WAS THE ONLY VERSION OF OUR DESERTION THAT I COULD NEVER SUBSCRIBE TO.
DANIEL KESSLER
Damn straight, Paul.
BUS DRIVER
We’re going to have to stop.
SAM FOGARINO
Stop? Why?
BUS DRIVER
It’s not safe to drive in this weather.
SAM FOGARINO
(lights a cigarette) Balls.
DANIEL KESSLER
How many times have we told you, Sam? Put your smoking jacket on if you’re going to smoke.
PAUL BANKS
WE SHOULD TAKE A TRIP NOW TO SEE NEW PLACES.
DANIEL KESSLER
(sighs heavily) Not right now, Paul.
PAUL BANKS
YEAH, MAYBE TO THE BEACH.
SAM FOGARINO
Oh yeah, it’s easy to say that now, Paul. You were the one who wanted to tour Canada in November.
PAUL BANKS
IF LIFE IS SUCH A BIG JOKE, WHY SHOULD I CARE?
SAM FOGARINO
If it’s a joke, it’s not exactly funny, is it, DJ Fancypants?
DANIEL KESSLER
(sharply) Sam! Smoking jacket! You’ll get ash on your suit!
SAM FOGARINO
(standing and retrieving an elegant smoking jacket from a hook on the wall) Fine.
DRIVER
(standing and stretching) Looks like we’re gonna be here for a minute.
SCENE 2
The same tour bus, hours later. We can hear wind howling, and the velvet curtains are drawn back to reveal that it’s dark outside. The driver and mixologist are lying in the aisle. Sam Fogarino sits at the bar, smoking a cigarette. Paul Banks and Daniel Kessler sit next to him, cocktails in hand. Brandon Curtis paces restlessly.
BRANDON CURTIS
So we have no idea how long we’re going to be stuck here?
DRIVER
No idea at all, mate.
DANIEL KESSLER
(raising his cocktail) Lucky we have a private mixologist, hey, Sam?
SAM FOGARINO
Sure.
BRANDON CURTIS
There isn’t really anything to do, though, is there?
DANIEL KESSLER
Uh… apart from drink cocktails prepared by our private mixologist, or indulge your creative urges in our private mobile studio?
BRANDON CURTIS
Yeah, apart from that.
DANIEL KESSLER
Apart from tweeting and/or Instagramming amusing tour-bus photos via our private wifi network?
BRANDON CURTIS
Apart from that.
DANIEL KESSLER
(non-plussed) Um… Paul likes to play Scrabble. He used to play against—
PAUL BANKS
HEY!
DANIEL KESSLER
Sorry.
PAUL BANKS
WHO’S ON TRIAL?
SAM FOGARINO
(sarcastically) I bet Carlos D wishes he was here now.
DANIEL KESSLER
(enthusiastically) I bet he does!
The mixologist fetches a Scrabble box and places it on the bar. Brandon Curtis looks at it for a moment, then sighs and sits at the bar opposite Paul Banks. They open the box, set up the board and select letters from a bag. They play several moves, Curtis first, then Banks. After Banks’ third move, Curtis looks confused.
PAUL BANKS
TRIPLE WORD SCORE.
BRANDON CURTIS
(points at the board) What’s that supposed to mean?
SAM FOGARINO
(peering over Curtis’s shoulder at the board) Paul, how many times do we have to tell you that there’s no “I” in “threesome”?
PAUL BANKS
(pensively) HE CAN READ. HE’S BAD.
SAM FOGARINO
(sighing heavily and stubbing out his cigarette) This is impossible. You always cheat, Paul.
PAUL BANKS
I’M SMART ENOUGH TO TRY.
SAM FOGARINO
You’re even worse than Carlos was. I’m going to bed.
PAUL BANKS
(to Brandon, conspiratorially, in reference to Sam) HE’S ALWAYS CALLING MY BLUFF.
DANIEL KESSLER
I’m going to bed too.
BRANDON CURTIS
Where are we all gonna sleep, though? There are only three beds, reserved for (coughs) official band members.
PAUL BANKS
WE HAVE TWO HUNDRED COUCHES WHERE YOU CAN SLEEP TONIGHT.
DANIEL KESSLER
No we don’t.
PAUL BANKS
OH.
SAM FOGARINO
I’m not having the bottom bunk again.
PAUL BANKS
IT’S WAY TOO LATE TO BE THIS LOCKED INSIDE OURSELVES.
SAM FOGARINO
I don’t care. I always end up on the bottom bunk.
PAUL BANKS
WE HAVE TWO HUNDRED—
SAM FOGARINO
No we don’t.
SCENE 3
Morning. It sounds like the storm outside has abated, although all we can see out the window is white. Brandon Curtis is asleep at the bar, his head cradled in his hands, with the empty remains of multiple old-fashioneds to keep him company. The driver and mixologist are sleeping at the front of the bus. Paul Banks emerges from the rear door, looks out the window, and utters his verdict on the band’s surroundings.
PAUL BANKS
THIS IS A WASTELAND NOW.
BRANDON CURTIS
(jerking awake) Paul! You scared me.
PAUL BANKS
(smiling coquettishly) YOU WERE MY CATATONIC SEX TOY LOVE JOY DIVER.
BRANDON CURTIS
What?!
PAUL BANKS
OH STELLAAAAAAAAAAA!
BRANDON CURTIS
(standing and edging toward the front door) My name’s not—
DANIEL KESSLER
(arriving from the rear compartment) Paul! Stop it. Brandon doesn’t understand your little jokes.
The driver and mixologist emerge from the front of the bus.
BRANDON CURTIS
(to the driver) Is there any food? I’m starving.
DANIEL KESSLER
Of course there is! We have a private kitchen setup!
BRANDON CURTIS
Where?
DANIEL KESSLER
There are some things man was not meant to know.
The driver walks to the rear of the bus, apparently to prepare breakfast.
PAUL BANKS
LET’S SEE ABOUT THIS HAM.
DANIEL KESSLER
Calm down, Paul. We’re all hungry.
PAUL BANKS
(banging his cutlery on the bar) SERVE IT UP! DON’T WAIT!
DANIEL KESSLER
Paul—
Unexpectedly, the phone on the bar rings. Paul Banks, Daniel Kessler and Sam Fogarino all freeze in place.
SAM FOGARINO
It’s… it’s him.
No one moves. The phone continues to ring.
BRANDON CURTIS
Isn’t someone going to answer that?
The answer is apparently “no.” After a few moments, Curtis picks it up himself.
BRANDON CURTIS
Hello?
The disembodied voice of Carlos D emerges from the phone.
CARLOS D
How are things on the East Coast?
DANIEL KESSLER
…
SAM FOGARINO
…
PAUL BANKS
(ignoring the phone completely, and pointing instead to the window) HEY LOOK IT STOPPED SNOWING!